I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
