oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
