Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
