I don't usually arrange sex via text message
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
