I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
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