after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
