On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize