pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
