Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
