youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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