How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
please come you make the beer taste better
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
