i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
