I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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