1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
