My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
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