When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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