So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
