I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
