Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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