ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
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