Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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