seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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