im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
did i just pee glitter
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