what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize