____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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