i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
