I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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