Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
