FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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