So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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