I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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