sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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