some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
