Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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