I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
