If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
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