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I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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