Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
