Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
