I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
