After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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