I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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