I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
