I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
