Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
