Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
