Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I got inside last night via doggy door
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize