i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
