I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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