he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
