I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
