Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
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