i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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