I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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