just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
He did a backflip because drugs
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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