i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize