I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
