I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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