Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Randomize
