she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize