Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
