a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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