Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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